Hay Fever

Thank you for the "bless you" you just bestowed upon me, but I don't actually mean that sort of Hay Fever.  I'm incredibly lucky in that I have never suffered from it - touch wood - and seeing how miserable it makes some of my friends and family, I'm quite happy living life without it.

I'm not talking about the Hay Fever that makes you miserable.  I'm talking about the Hay Fever that makes you happy!  1920's bohemian farce happy!

I promise you, the audience at least was laughing.

Hay Fever is a Noel Coward play and the latest offering from the Canterbury Players vault.  We performed it in June and, joy of joys, all I had to do for a change was take some pictures!  I was not involved at all.  The Demon Gin was though - this was her directorial debut and I personally think she handled it spiffingly.  Her severely depleted gin supplies may tell a different story.

Steve was heavily involved though - he, along with Derek and Nick, managed to build us one of the best sets I think we have seen in a while.  It looked spectacular, even if it was a slightly more rushed job than normal due to a let down with the company we thought we could rent a set off.  The finished product was spectacular though and in my humble opinion, much better than the one we would have hired.  For starters, it had the right number of entrances and exits needed (5 in total).

So Hay Fever?  Ready for the picture story book as is now traditional on this blog?

At the country pile mansion of the dreadfully bohemian Bliss family, events are starting to get a bit chaotic.  Sorel and Simon, the grown up children of the family, are squabbling as normal and during the course of their discussion realise that both of them have invited guests to stay for the weekend.  A fight breaks out over whose guest gets to stay in the Japanese Room.

During the course of their argument, which is interjected with lots of affectionate phrases, dramatic outbursts and reasonable discourse, we learn that Sorel has a desire to better herself, to make guests feel welcome and that she feels that their family is odd.  We get a glimpse into the workings of the family - the conversation is flighty, never staying on one subject for very long and the outbursts are melodramatic exaggerations.

During the course of the conversation, Judith, the matriarch of the Bliss family enters.  If the children are melodramatic, Judith is insufferable with her absent-minded theatricality.  She is a retired stage actress who longs to return to her doting audiences (the fact that they haven't written begging her to come back is a particularly sore point).

Upon learning that their mother has also invited a guest for the weekend, a heated argument breaks out amongst the three, over the individuals who have been invited and who gets to sleep in the Japanese room.

The noise causes the father, David to enter the room.  David is a novelist who is working on his latest book.  He learns what all the hullabaloo is about, drinks his tea and calmly informs his wife and children that he has invited a sweet, but rather stupid flapper to the house for the weekend so he can study her.

She will be sleeping in the Japanese room and on that bombshell, leaves the rest of the family to process the news and anticipate the looming weekend of horror they each imagine in front of them.  After the children's tantrums Judith admonishes that they must all be "very brave".

Judith announces that she has decided to return to the theatre, possibly reviving one of her old hits, Love's Whirlwind, despite the fact that it is a dreadful play.  She, Sorel and Simon amuse themselves by acting out a melodramatic passage from the play, beginning with the words "Is this a game?  Yes, and a game that must be played to the end!".

These few lines are repeated throughout the play, to the utter bewilderment of their guests.  Just as they are in full swing they are interrupted, much to the anger of Simon and Sorel, by the arrival of Sandy Tyrell.  A sportsman and a big fan of Judith's, he is her guest for the weekend.  Simon and Sorel leave to get ready for the arrival of their guests, but not before being incredibly rude to Sandy.

Alone with Sandy, Judith flirts with him outrageously while he hangs on her every word.  His bubble is somewhat bursts after a passing comment that her husband is not actually dead as he had thought but instead upstairs and writing his novel.

Myra is the next guest to arrive.  A younger rival of Judith's and very vampish, she has been invited to stay by Simon.  She clearly has little time for the particular quirks and foibles of the Bliss family and imparts a few pointed jibes in Judith's direction. Upon her arrival Judith goes into the garden with Sandy.  Myra, alone with Simon, blows hot and cold with him, first leading him on then announcing that she recently had dinner with another man.  Simon reacts like a child, following tantrums with fawning adoration. 

The last to arrive are Richard, a diplomat and Sorel's guest and Jackie, David's guest.  Upon their arrival Simon drags Myra out into the garden, leaving both Richard and Jackie alone in the parlour as they await their hosts. 

The waiting is painful as the two make excruciatingly polite small talk with each other.  There is clearly an intelligence gap between the two.  The pauses between them become longer as they fight for things to stay.  At one point Judith breezes through the room, picks up a sun hat and breezes back out again, humming slightly, without acknowledging either of the two guests sitting awkwardly.  Finally it occurs to them to ring a bell for assistance as they have seen no one.  They ring the bell and wait expectantly, staring at it.  No one comes.

Eventually Sorel comes running downstairs, full of remorse at the fact that Richard has been kept waiting.  She reluctantly shows Jackie the way to David's writing room, then sits and attempts to entertain Richard.  She is full of nervous energy and cannot stick with one idea long enough to see it through.  Richard, whilst a little bemused by the situation, is gracious and clearly fascinated with her.

After Richard has politely fetched the luggage in for all the guests ('assisted' by a relatively inept and over enthusiastic Sorel), the remainder of the guests and the Bliss family join Sorel and Richard in the parlour for afternoon tea.

Conversation is again stilted and awkward amongst the entire party, with Richard and Myra frequently starting new topics of conversation at the same moment as each other and then both falling quiet.  The scene ends in total, agonizingly awkward silence.

The next scene is the same day, following dinner.  The family insists that everyone needs to join in a parlour game, a variety of charades where one person must guess the adverb being acted out by the others.  Sorel volunteers to guess but the Bliss family become frustrated when the guests appear to be incapable of performing to their standards.

As the game breaks up, tempers fare and arguments break out amongst the Bliss's and some of their guests.  Simon drags Jackie out into the garden, Sorel drags Sandy into the library and David, after arguing with Judith, pointedly invites Myra for a walk outside.  She accepts with a triumphant glance thrown back at Judith and swaggers out into the garden with David.

Left alone with Richard, who is awkwardly attempting to ignore everything he has just witnessed, Judith turns her attentions to him.  She flirts with him, sings for him and admires his cigarette case.  He is clearly infatuated and kisses her quickly.

Judith reacts as though she has been shot, screeching out the effect that this will have on David and acting as though she and Richard have been conducting a long, sordid affair.  She completely takes Richard aback when she starts to talk about breaking the news to David.

She orders Richard to wait for her in the Summer House so she can talk to her husband.  Richard quickly leaves, at which point Judith immediately calms down and with a smile on her face, heads to the library.  There, a second screech is ripped from her throat as she discovers Sorel and Sandy kissing.  Judith launches into another melodramatic tirade and then graciously 'gives' Sandy to Sorel.  Sorel, clearly playing along with her mother's histrionics, accepts as graciously whilst Sandy is hard pushed to get a word in edgeways.

Judith leaves and Sorel explains to Sandy that it is all just play acting - that everyone in the house has to play up to Mother.  Much relieved that he is not actually engaged to Sorel, Sandy takes her back into the library.

David and Myra enter from the garden, David delighted that he has found such a pair of willing ears in Myra.  Myra confesses to him that the only reason she accepted Simon's invitation to come to the house was because she knew that David would be here.  The two flirt, argue and then kiss, at which point Judith enters.

Judith, naturally, has an extreme, overly dramatic reaction to what she sees.  She acts the martyr, clearly reveling in the role and releases David from all his obligations to her.  A delighted David promises that she will continue to receive 50% of all his profits and exclaims that he and Myra are now free to marry.  A clearly alarmed Myra trys to halt the rapidly escalating events in front of her, but, like Sandy before her, cannot get a word in edgeways.

The only thing that saves Myra is the dramatic entrance by Simon, who comes running in from the garden violently and announces that he and Jackie are engaged, followed by an extremely shell-shocked looking Jackie.

Sorel and Sandy come running back in from the library, Judith enters yet another bout of theatrics and complete pandemonium breaks out.  In the midst of it all, Richard comes back from the garden and, utterly confused by what he sees happening in front of him, asks 'Is this a game?'.  Simon, Sorel and Judith immediately seize on this and launch into the scene from Love's Whirlwind that they were playing out earlier, to the absolute bafflement of their guests whilst David laughs uproariously.  The scene ends.

The next morning a very nervous Sandy creeps down the stairs, clearly desperate not to wake any members of the family.  He serves himself some breakfast and gulps the food down as quickly as possible.  Upon hearing a noise, he grab a slice of toast and runs into the library.

A cool, calm and collected Jackie walks down the stairs.  She serves herself some food, takes her seat at the table, and promptly bursts into tears.  Upon hearing her cry, Sandy comes out of the library.  He learns that Jackie has no idea what happened last night.  She was walking in the garden with Simon, he suddenly kissed her out of the blue then went running into the house announcing that they were engaged, something she fervently hopes isn't the case.  They talk about how crazy the entire family is and how utterly miserable they both are staying here.  Jackie slept in the Japanese room and hated it as the bed was Japanese style on the floor and she had nightmares about the dragons on the wall.  Sandy gets an attack of the hiccups and Jackie attempts to help him cure them with various techniques.  Upon hearing footsteps, they both retreat to the Library with a cup of coffee that Sandy needs to drink from the wrong side of.

Richard is the next to come downstairs.  He checks the barometer on the wall and accidentally knocks it down.  He hides it under the chaise.  He is joined by Myra, who is the most calm and collected of the four guests, but still anxious to leave.  Jackie and Sandy come out of the Library after breaking a coffee cup much to the ire of Clara, the much put-upon house maid (previously Judith's dresser in the theatre).  Clara informs the party that they have missed the first train and that there wasn't another one for a good few hours.  Sandy notes that he has his motor car with him and agrees to drive them all back to London immediately.  They all go upstairs to pack.

Judith comes down. Clara hands her the Sunday papers and she begins reading aloud to Sorel what the gossip columns have to say about her.  Simon shares his most recent drawing with his mother and sister, and then David enters, brandishing his finished novel and offers to read them the final chapter.

Just before David sits down, Sandy comes running down the stairs, pauses when he sees the family and then runs out of the front door.  Judith remarks that she 'seems to know that boy's face'.  The rest of the family shrug off the occurrence and turn their attention to David who begins reading aloud.  Immediately a full scale argument breaks out over a minor geography detail of Paris and its accuracy within David's novel.  Insults are hurled at each other, with David exclaiming that the children's behaviour is so dreadful he is not even sure if they are his.

The family are so engrossed in their argument that they don't notice the four guests sneaking down the stairs and running out of the front door.  The sound of the door slamming shut, an engine starting and a car driving away finally alerts them to the fact that their guests have all gone.

After Sorel notes that they didn't say goodbye, Judith comments 'How rude' and David adds that 'people really do behave in the most extraordinary manner these days'.  The Bliss' return happily to David manuscript, with David making the geographical amendment to please Judith, and Judith announcing to David that she is returning to the theatre, to the delight of the rest of her family.  They are clearly content in their everyday family life. 

If you like (or hate!) what you have read, please do let me know in the comments below or slap me with a cheeky follow, or say Hi to me on my facebook group or twitter!

Alle the Disc's a Stage

Terry Pratchett's Wyrd Sisters.  A tale that is strangely familiar - it has a dead king floating around a castle after being murdered by a close relative, usurper rulers who can't seem to get the blood off their hands, daggers floating before people's eyes and three witches who can't seem to help meddling.

Of course this version also has obsequious chamberlains, grumpy demons, a fool whose improv is just terrible, overly dramatic players and a dwarf whose gender is entirely open for debate.

We had so much fun putting this play on! I will leave you with the now-traditional post play picture story book.

The Kingdom of Lancre, a tiny little kingdom somewhere in the Ramptops that noone has ever heard of.  Magrat, youngest of the three witches, is desperate to become a witch of the old school; potions, books, grimmers (or grimoires as she will point out), magic swords and picking toadstools by moonlight.  Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg are rather more disillusioned by the whole thing.  Potions stain your robes, books are pretentious, magic swords too often get themselves stuck in stones and you can't get the darn thing out when you need it and picking toadstools by moonlight leaves you with back ache and wet feet.

While at one of the witches many tea parties meetings on the heath, the cosy coven is interrupted by the sound of hoofbeats and the rude arrival of a soldier with an arrow sticking out of his back, carrying a bundle.  He thrusts the bundle at the witches and then inconsiderately dies at their feet.  Before the three can ask 'what the bloody hell was that about' another two soldiers come rushing in and the first demands that the witches hand the bundle to him.  Granny refuses and is attacked by the soldier, who is stabbed by his comrade who apparently has enough sense to know that you just don't go around attacking witches.

The witches open the bundle to reveal a baby boy and a crown which provides an instant dilemma as to what on earth they do with both of them.  After a lengthy debate about the problems of hiding crowns that always end up with them being found and put on by any random passer by, Magrat remembers that she had seen lots of crowns at the theatre (although they look more realer than this one) and the witches head off to see a play, after pointing out that they can't meddle in the affairs of men.

Meanwhile, at the castle, the servants are frantically searching for the missing son of the late King Verence and Verence's crown, on the orders of the new and rather smug Duke and Duchess.  At least, they had better be frantically searching if they value their heads.  The new Duchess can't abide slackness after all.  The chamberlain, with a great deal of oily smarm, confirms that the baby was taken by witches.  The Duke and Duchess are horrified to discover that not only do they have witches in their Kingdom cluttering up the place, the witches don't even pay taxes.  They vow to stamp out this monstrosity and check that the baby is dead as an afterthought as apparently the witches, disappointingly, don't practice human sacrifice but instead are actually respected by people.

At the theatre after the show the witches ask to meet the Vitolliers, the head of the band of players and give them the baby, Tomjon, to look after.  Although suspicious, the couple agree to take the baby into their care.  Magrat hides the crown in a prop box and, after getting her bottom pinches by a member of the troop, gets an impromptu lesson on where babies come from from Nanny Ogg.

The Sergeant, who isn't the sharpest sword in the armory, has visited the witches to try to arrest them and get the baby back and returns to deliver his report to the Duke.  He is pleased to tell the Duke that the witches were very nice to him and his men and gave them cups of tea and a bun with currents in.  All apart from young Roger who isn't allowed fruit on account of his trouble so he had a biscuit.  It is clear that this Kingdom is not the easy kingdom to rule that the frustrated Duke (who is starting to become obsessed with a bottle of anti-bacterial gel) was hoping for. 

Thoroughly depressed the Duke demands entertainment from his Fool, a young man who has sworn to loyally follow his Lord unto death.  Although adept (ish) at capering and jokes and appearing, well, foolish, the Fool is cleverer than he initially appears to be and has learned when to keep his mouth shut.  This ability means he is often privy to secrets and rantings he would rather not be around, especially considering he never wanted to be a Fool in the first place.  As a result of this innate ability to be wherever he really shouldn't be, he has perfected the backwards tiptoe and the art of whistling when conversation gets uncomfortable.

The Kingdom starts to behave strangely.  The taxman visits the witches (and is politely turned away by them), there is an out-of-season earthquake despite the fact that you don't get earthquakes in Lancre (someone really should remember to send the land a memo about that) and the animals of the forest are still not talking to anyone, despite Magrat's best efforts.  People's houses are being burned to the ground (this is nothing new but at least the old King let you get out first) and the Duke is convinced that the trees are whispering about him so has embarked on an extensive plan of agricultural improvements, increasing work in the saw mills and generating industry by chopping down the forests (the Fool's idea).

Things are getting suspicious so the witches decide to do a bit of detective work and summon a surly demon to try and find out what is going on.  Magrat is hugely disappointed by the fact that instead of spices and candles and an octogram of protection to perform the summoning spell they instead use a rolling pin, box of soapsuds and an old washboard.  After all, in her words, it just isn't the same.

After upsetting the demon (if a witch is only allowed three questions she might as well get to the point and 'what the bloody hell is going on' doesn't leave demons a lot of wriggle room to get smart with their answers, which upsets them) the witches find out that the land of the kingdom is unhappy.  The new Duke and Duchess are only interested in money and having people obey them.  The Kingdom wants a king that cares for it so it is throwing a few tantrums right now to get people's attention and falling sick in the process.

Magrat later questions the other witches about the Fool she met at the Theatre and finds out that his name is Verence, and his master was the late King Verence whom he was named for.  The Fool's father was a bit of a cad and very popular with the ladies in his day according to Nanny.

Witches still can't meddle though (despite the fact that they just saved the baby and hid the crown and summoned a demon to find out what was going on).

Nanny Ogg has lost her pet cat, Greebo, and goes on a mission to find him, a mission that ends up with her captured and locked in the dungeon of the castle, faced with torture as the Duke and Duchess try to make her confess to crimes against them, which includes spreading rumours that they killed the old King.   

Thoroughly fed up, Nanny meets the ghost of the late King Verence who is still floating around the place gazing longingly at his favourite food in the kitchens.  He had tricked Greebo to the castle in the hope that the witches would come looking for him and would restore his son to the throne and tells Nanny exactly what happened the night of his death, when the Duchess handed the Duke the King's knife to stab him with and then shoved him down the stairs.

Cold and hungry and faced with the fairly dismal prospect of being tortured imminently, Nanny and Verence play eye spy.

Granny and Magrat, both disguised as unconvincing apple sellers, enter the castle to find and rescue Nanny.  Magrat is apprehended by guards and the Fool comes racing to her rescue.  He is fairly inept at this and Magrat ends up rescuing him and casting a spell to make the door to the dungeon (eventually) explode.

The witches barge in to find Nanny in the stocks, the late King Verence, the Duke and the Duchess.  The Fool is dispatched by the Duchess to fetch the guards but, clearly conflicted between his loyalty to the Duke and the fact he really wants to get to know Magrat better, dives behind her to hide instead.

The witches demand that the Duke abdicate, an act he refuses to do (fairly obviously) and instead laughs at his victory over the witches.  They can't meddle he reminds them, any King they put on the throne will only be ruling with their permission and therefore will be no King at all but a fool indeed.  They can't replace him without meddling and he is not going anywhere.  The Duke has won this battle.  Granny reminds him about Verence's son and the Duke gleefully points out that the boy is a child and not able to rule until he is a man, which gives the Duke at least 15 years to prepare.

Defeated and dejected, Granny acknowledges that the Duke is right.  The Duke and Duchess leave, sneering and jeering at the 'Wyrd Sisters', and Nanny is freed by Magrat and the Fool.  The late King begs the witches to intervene to put his baby son on the throne and save the Kingdom but the witches refuse, saying that they can't meddle.  The Fool nervously asks Magrat on a date (the meadow at 2pm) and she eventually agrees.  Overjoyed, the Fool rushes away after promising to wear a flower so that she recognises him.

Not satisfied with their victory, the Duke and Duchess are looking for a way to squash the rumours that they killed the old King with his own dagger.  The Fool absentmindedly comments on the power of words to subvert and twist reality and states that, with enough time and rumour, words can become reality and even become history.  The Duchess latches onto this idea and demands that the Fool go and find someone who can write a play, a play that will go around the world and be remembered long after rumour has died, a play that will rewrite history and present facts as the Duke and Duchess want them to be presented.   The Fool departs for Ankh-Morpork, the capital city, in search of a play-write.

Granny has the biggest temper tantrum that the Kingdom of Lancre has ever seen over the fact that someone has dared to put a witch in a dungeon (she could have caught her death) and being called 'Wyrd Sisters' by the Duke.  She concocts a plan to put the boy on the throne although children can't rule (that isn't meddling apparently).  Inspired by Black Aliss, an old witch who once turned a coach into a pumpkin and lived in a real gingerbread cottage, she takes action.  Black Aliss put a palace to sleep for 100 years (although she didn't actually, she just froze the palace in time which is really easy to do) and Granny is determined to do the same with Lancre, moving the whole kingdom 15 years into the future, meaning that the son of the King will now be an adult and ready to fight for his throne. She summons Nanny to help her as she will need to fly around the entire kingdom by cock crow.

Magrat keeps her date with the Fool, who is wearing a flower, just as he promised to help her recognise him and the two flirt rather awkwardly and fairly adorably with each other.  

Just as Magrat kisses the Fool, Granny and Nanny complete their spell, kickstart their brooms into action ready to fly around the Kingdrom (after a couple of duff starts from Granny's which really needs a mechanic to have a look at it and perhaps change the oil) and the land is frozen for 15 years.  Everyone is locked in place, exactly as they were, waiting for the rest of Discworld to move forward.

15 years later, shocked by what the witches have done and the fact that she has just entered the Guiness Book of World Records for Longest Kiss Ever, Magrat reacts badly (witches are very good at tantrums) when the Fool tells her he is going to Ankh-Morpork on a mission for the Duke and storms off in a huff.  The Fool goes anyway and, upon entering the city, is instantly mugged by a band of licensed thieves.  He has all of the money he was given to hire a play-write stolen but it's OK, a receipt was put in his hat so no one else does him that night.   

Luckily the dwarf Hwel (a play-write genius) and Tomjon come across the mugging and Tomjon, the greatest actor the Discworld has ever seen, persuades the robbers to give back most of what they have stolen.  Grateful and still rather dazed, the Fool offers to buy Hwel and Tomjon a drink, and, upon discovering that they are with the Theatre, hires them to write the play.

Hwel and Tomjon return to discuss the matter with Vitollier.  Hwel is reluctant at first as the whole idea seems fishy but Vitollier persuades the dwarf with the idea that the money will help build the Disc Theatre, meaning that they won't need to roam the countryside anymore, putting on performances for people who throw potatoes at them.  Hwel with her broad brummy accent agrees and writes the play (complete with three witches, you can do a lot with three witches, surprising no one's thought of it before really, and a ghost to Vitollier's dismay as you can never get the chalk out of the clothes).  

Tomjon agrees to act it and takes a group of the players and Hwel on the long journey to Lancre to perform the play for the Duke and Duchess.  Vitollier is despondent at seeing his son go, convinced that he will never see him again.  There is destiny at work here, he bemoans to Hwel, whom he discovers is actually a woman,  the mountains are calling him home and Tomjon looks just like the Fool as well.  It's all too much to be a coincidence. 

Back in Lancre the witches watch in their crystal ball as the little group of players wander on the road, slightly perplexed at the lack of swords and armour that they seem to have with them to fight their battle and also irritated that the group appear to be lost on the moors and are clearly not stopping to ask the local badgers for directions.

Granny takes it upon herself to intervene (not meddle), unconvincingly disguised as an old woman gathering wood and terryfying most of the band of players in the process who know better than to trust old women out on the moors gathering firewood, especially when there are no handy rivers available to carry her across and she rejects your lunch menu due to digestive issues.

The witches still can't meddle.  Rescuing the baby, hiding the crown, planning to replace the Duke with the late kings son, moving the kingdom forward 15 years and helping your lost "army" get to where it is supposed to be going isn't meddling.

The Fool and Magrat meet in the meadow again and the Fool tells Magrat about the play, a play that will absolve the Duke and Duchess of any wrongdoings and secure their favourable place in the history books.  The Fool tells Magrat when and where the play will be and agrees to let the witches into the theatre via the unguarded kitchen gate.

The play starts but things go wrong from the beginning.  Actors can't remember their lines, it is as if they are trying to tell untruth's and the land won't let them.  The witches are also not best pleased to see actors playing them on stage wearing green blusher and talking about putting babies in cauldrons.  Granny, realising that the audience are taken in by the web of lies unfolding on the stage in front of them and not wanting witches to always be 'old hags in green blusher', decides to take action (not meddling still) and heads purposefully backstage.

Backstage the Duke and Duchess are aware that the witches have come to the theatre and tells the guards to find them and arrest them.  The guards find the three actors who are playing the witches and mistakenly arrest them, ignoring their protestations of innocence.

Hwel, searching for the witches for Act 2, stumbles upon the three real witches backstage and shoves them in front of the audience as Act 2 starts.  The witches take advantage of the opportunity and cast a spell over the actors who instantly start to act out events as they really occurred the night that Verence was murdered.

Seeing this happen on stage in 'his play' snaps the Duke's mind and he inadvertently confesses to everything whilst denying it all.  The Duchess laughs the Duke's speech off, saying that without witnesses there is no proof, and without proof there is no deed.  The Fool can't take it anymore and reveals that he witnessed everything that night and saw the Duke kill the King.  Enraged at the Fool's betrayal, the Duke stabs the Fool with the theatre knife, stabs himself with it, runs off and falls over the battlements to his death.

The Duchess, in a desperate attempt to save herself, accuses everyone around her of treason and threatens to have them all executed.  She continues until Nanny, fed up with her talking, hits her over the head with a prop cauldron, knocking her out cold so she can be dragged off to the dungeons.  The Duchess later escapes from her cell but makes the mistake of going into the forest, where the bunnies finish her off.  Never trust a bunny.

With a distraught Magrat cradling the body of the Fool to her, Granny picks up the theatre knife, examines it and then demonstrates to everyone how the knife is a trick knife with the blade disappearing into the handle as actors can't be trusted with real ones.  The Fool realises that he is, after all, still alive.

Granny then declares that Tomjon is the rightful King of Lancre and offers him the crown.  Everyone is a bit thrown when he refuses to accept it, wanting a life in the theatre instead of a life in a castle.  The problem is, as Hwel points out, Tomjon don't really have a choice.  It's something he is born to.  The only chance he would have is if he had any brother's or sisters.  There's a pause, an idea hits Magrat and everyone stares at the Fool who suddenly looks very, very uncomfortable.

The three witches (one a bit more worse for wear having drunk rather a lot from her new coronation mug) gather back around their cauldron on the moor to talk about the coronation banquet they have just been at.  During the course of the discussion it is revealed that the Fool's father, who had a bit an eye for the ladies, had a dalliance with the Queen.  Magrat is horrified as this means that while the Fool and Tomjon share the same father, that father is not, in fact, the old King.  Granny points out that it doesn't matter,  the Fool has his head screwed on, he cares for the land and royalty has to start somewhere and it might as well start with him.

After all, witches don't meddle.