Goji Berry Rant

Whilst perusing the shelves in my local supermarket recently I spotted a packet of dried goji berries.  "Deliciously sweet and cheerfully chewy" proclaimed the package and the berries themselves looked vaguely appetising*.

*this is a lie.  They looked suspiciously like rust red rabbit droppings. 

More to the point it was a buy 1 get 1 free deal.

Now I have heard the hype.  These little red rabbit dropping lookalikes are supposed to be a 'superfood' touted by hipster health care experts and nutritionists as doing everything from helping prevent chronic illness to being a great source of antioxidants and cleaning the bathroom.  Apparently they also count as one of your five-a-day.  Extra bonus.

I picked up two packets, figuring they would work as a desk snack to keep me away from the dairy milk.

About 3pm I made my cup of tea and cracked open the first little packet.  I sniffed it tentatively.  If I am honest it didn't really smell of anything.  A bit like the inside of a health food shop but that's probably not a bad thing.

I tried one.

I tried not to spit it out which would have been easier said than done as it was glued to the roof of my mouth.

I tried a second one.

It glued itself to my teeth.  A bit like an opal fruit starburst but without the, y'know, niceness of an opal fruit starburst.  The fruity juicy sweet flavour.  Someone give me an opal fruit please?

I took a deep breath and a great handful.

OH MY GOD THESE THINGS ARE DISGUSTING!

When I was little my mum used to give me a tablespoon of caster oil after dinner every night.  Not capsules or tablets but a spoon of greasy, stinking oil.  I know it was 'good for me'; strong bones or something (I have, in all fairness, never broken a bone in my life).  It always made me retch and I would have to have a glass of milk ready in the other hand to gulp to get rid of the taste.

Sadly I had no milk ready after the mouthful of goji berries.  I just had tea and burnt my mouth with my gulping.

Growing up we had Yew trees in our garden, or the giant bush of death as they are alternatively known.  The fruit of the Yew tree is a little squishy red berry that everything (birds, cats, mice etc) knows to avoid as it is really poisonous.  This fact had been drilled into my sister and I from the moment we could grab, snatch and say 'mine'.  They look like fresh goji berries.  Almost the spitting image.

I'm convinced that Goji berries are just Yew berries dried out and masquerading in a secret disguise in a bid to allow the trees to take over the world by killing off hipsters.

So here is my very well thought out review.

Goji berries are disgusting.  If you want a health kick eat an apple.  Apples never hurt anyone.

Oh and tomorrow there will be a giveaway on the blog.  One lucky reader will win a packet of unopened Goji berries.  All you have to do is like Miscriant's facebook page, follow me on twitter and follow me on Bloglovin'.  The winner will be randomly pulled out of a rabbit's backside and I will post the packet to them.

Happy giveaway!*

*PS there is no giveaway.